The Silence Of The Toasters.

 You know what's sad? That I am way too young to be smoking, yet I do. I am way too young to have the burn of alcohol down my throat, but I do. It is not to be cool, it is not to fit in, I don't do it socially, I do it alone. I don't brag about it, I keep quiet. I am trying to stop you know? The thing is, no one notices that I am desperately trying to stop and get better. All they notice is the fucked up kid in the corner. I am trying!! I swear I am trying so hard to stop, I am trying to get better but sorrow, regret, worry, stress, and pressure follows my like a fucking stray dog. Today though, I don't want to be negative, so let's find something funny to one-sidedly chat about.

  How about motherfucking toasters. Hey fuckers whom create toasters, how about you fucking listen the hell up. When I put my toast in, how about you fucking put, Light and Dark, that way I know wtf I am getting my toast into. That is secondary though, when my toast is done, it should fucking "BING!" not be silent. MOTHERFUCKING DUMBASS! How in the HELL am I supposed to know my toast is ready when it's mute ass wont tell me. Fucking stupid-heads...smh..

 I watched 'The Silence Of The Lambs' and I highly suggest for anyone who likes fucked up shit (like Stephen(or Steven?) King, or Tim Burton.) It is so damn good. I look up to Hannibal(the cannibal). I feel fucked up though for thinking he is a badass motherfuker. He is just so damn smart it's fucking awesome.

 Anyway, carry on Kittens. By the way, you can now subscribe to my posts. Try it out!


                                         You're the Diet to my Coke,
                                                -Mirror Mayhem-

Some Days I Wish For Things Like Loosing This Feeling

 Some days I question my sanity. I question what the fuck am I doing with my life? Oh yeah, nothing. I wake up smudge on eyeliner, go to school, not pay attention and fail everything, draw during classes contrary to taking notes, come back home, blast My Chemical Romance, read, read, read, draw, write, draw s'more, eat two crackers, drink coffee even though it is way late, stay up until dawn, sleep for two hours, and repeat. Exciting? No. I fear for my fate. I will probably fail this year, but I can't help it; I am really depressed and nothing propels me to go and try. It's like I am constantly exhausted, always. I can't decipher why, I just am. I feel weak and honestly the only things I am ever up to do is write, read, drink, or smoke. Other than that, I have nothing that I really do. That's a disappointing thought, and I can't help but to wonder....


                What have I done to help someone else?

I want to be part of something bigger than myself, that way I can't forget about how fucked up I am and instead help someone else. That's what I love doing; helping people. Some days I wish for things, like loosing this empty broken feeling 'cus I don't want to be broken, and I don't want to be empty.

You're the hopelessness to my feelings,

-Mirror Mayhem-

Heaven Help Us(Headfirst For Halos)

I can't stop playing Headfirst For Halos and Heaven Help Us. The lyrics burn to hear, but that's only because they are masked in  truth.

Heaven Help Us:
"The punch line to the joke is asking "Someone save us!" 
Heaven help us now."

Ain't that the bitter truth? The funniest part is no matter how many times we are shoved to the back and ignored, we still scream for someone to save us. Is it hope, or is it ignorance? How long is ignorance bliss? Until ignorance turns into learning the truth it hurts more than just knowing from the beginning.

Headfirst For Halos:
"Now the red ones make me fly and the blue ones help me fall
and I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling.
and as the fragments of my skull begin to fall,
fall on your tongue like pixie dust
just thunk happy thoughts
and we'll fly home"

Is it scary that I agree? Obviously at first it is about his drugs, then the thoughts it gives him "I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling" the drugs demented  or at least strengthen thoughts that he would usually be able to swallow. "Think happy thoughts" Is him trying to control his thoughts until the high passes then he is thinking about it again, "We'll fly home" and what's more convincing than the thought of never having to face everyone you hate, and just going home?


 Maybe I am just twisted and I am shape shifting this song to fit the way I want it. Whatever the case may be. Thankyou for reading.


 Stay strong, hold on tight, and do it now.

                                           
                                                 You're my Punk to the Rock,
                                                      -Mirror Mayhem-

And I believe in Rock n' Roll.

I am broken beyond repair and some days I wonder if my loved ones are better off leaving me alone to be broken. So many people have shattered my heart and stepped on the pieces. And now I sit here with a shitty tube of super glue wondering 'what am I going to do this time?' because the pieces just aren't worth saving.

"these words are forced to fit my mood
i'm sick of these mirrors
meticulously isolated yet always surrounded
I have nothing to say that wont get me into trouble
your frost is a punch to the gut
these days are covered in thorns
my tears fall short of escaping my eyes
but we try
and we fail
so we try some more
and together we shall see what time is made of."

-Frank Iero


Then this:

"No surrender, no compromise, no fucking shit. That's rock n' roll, and I believe in rock n' roll."

-Gerard Way


 And tears burn my face. This band is my everything. Thankyou MCR, and thankyou to whoever takes the time to read this blog.

Oh How Wrong We Were To Think Immortality meant never dying!

I have been told that I will drown in my tears; so be it. My heart is cascading in sadness. I feel a burning desire to run up to Gerard and shake him, to ask him "What do I do now?" because I don't know. This has shattered my heart. Though I am still happy for them this is one of those moments where you smile through buckets of tears. It is an un-real feeling. I can honestly say that it feels like I lost my father. Though my father isn't here so I guess I wouldn't know.My Chem. was like a father figure in its self. When I was angry or sad they lulled me to sleep.I can feel my hollow heart beat. I had no inspiration, no hopes, no dreams, nothing; until I found MCR. I still have every ounce of respect for them. I wish I could meet them. I cry at night thinking of them, but not in a sad way. I have been broken, stepped on, shoved into walls and lockers, my name is sprawled across the bathroom stall, my eyes have seen things they never should have and memories I shouldn't own are engraved into my dreams. Every night I am in the company of a memory I want to cast away. My dream to be a lead singer of a band only has more drive now. I dare someone to tell me "you can't do it" I dare someone to tell me "you can't make it" One day I will meet MCR, and one day I will be saving lives. Nothing you can say can stop me.



"Oh how wrong we were to think immortality meant never dying"

                                              You're the hand I hold,
                                                 -Mirror Mayhem-

Is their still a heart in that age you call a chest? and with what we've seen, do you still think we can reclaim our innocence?

I feel like complete shit. My Chemical Romance broke up yesterday. With 5 sentences:

"Being in this band for the past 12 years has been a true blessing. We've gotten to go places we never knew we would. We've been able to see and experience things we never imagined possible. We've shared the stage with people we admire, people we look up to, and best of all, our friends. And now, like all great things, it has come time for it to end. Thanks for all of your support, and for being part of the adventure.My Chemical Romance"

That's it, That is all they gave us. The dedicated fans, the one who you saved! I feel like I picked you up because I needed to heal. I was falling apart, breaking from the seams. I picked up My Chemical Romance so I would have a reason not to fall apart. They always told us not to slit our wrists, and I didn't, because I have never had more respect for 4 men in my life. They mean everything and I would die for them. Now that they are just over, nothing to leave us with, but 5 fucking sentences  Well fuck you too! My heart was healing, I was getting better, I had a reason not to cut, but now I guess not huh? No one else is here to fucking stop me. I feel like you raised me up, gave me hope, you showed me the world from the sky, you showed me a better prospective, and then you just dropped me to hit rock bottom. So my heart feels dead and I feel like shit. I hope you guys don't feel as bad as I do. Just do not kill yourselves; dont forget their words."Never let them take you alive"

"Never waste your life on suicide""
When we brake up; save yourselves"         
                 It's not over. I don't think this is the last we'll be hearing of them.                                     Your the sinking in my heart,                                             -Mirror Mayhem

The link to that post by MCR: http://www.mychemicalromance.com/news/

I Don't Always Panic, But When I Do...

 Do you ever feel like sometimes the Devil has your name? Like you were someones virgin to sacrifice?  Someday I do. I'm like, if there is in fact a God, he fucking hates me. So I don't have much to say but today I go back to hell, here are some pics. to make it better!

You're the Jet to my Star,

-Mirror Mayhem-

My Future Is A Candle. Dedicated to The Blissfully Dead.

 So today I wanted to talk about this great website called My Chemical Romance Fanfiction. Yeah, yeah, MCR doesn't approve. That's not true! There are some truly great fanfictions about Killjoys, about them meeting MCR or something. seriously. Anyway, there really are some wonderfully talented authors. The reason I brought this site up though is pacifically because I wanted to quote someone.

 "My future is a candle that has never been lit, and never will be."
                    -The Blissfully Dead

 Now I don't know about you, but I thought that was absolutely beautiful. Why? Simply for these reasons. 

1. The fact that she relates our future to a candle is strange but so original. It can be easily understood and easily related to.

2. Other than the fact that it is a wonderful analogy there's also the fact that it is extremely relatable  I can understand how the main character feels and I can honestly relate to it because I am desperately trying to light my candle but it seems so far out of reach; and no one seems to want to help me reach for it. So I loose hope, I loose faith, and I loose trust.

 So, big props to you Bliss, I hope you get to read this!

 Also some pictures for you bored little people out there.

                                                

                                               You're the shine to the stars,

                                                       -Mirror Mayhem-

 

Update Time Motherfuckers!

Hey kittens, 

sorry nothing today either. I went to my friends house and i cant write from there but I PROMISE more story soon. So kittens today is update day!!!

I'm still really badly depressed. 

I am becoming a tad bit anti-social. 

My grades are shit.

Self esteem issues here.

 And I promised 6 facts so here you go:

1. I'm addicted to coffee
2. I write my true feelings in books.
3.I sometimes get so freaked out that I wont be able to do what I love I tear up or sometimes get sick.
4.I have self esteem issues.
5.I DO IN FACT OWN A PINK SHIRT. It has a FUCK YOU banner on it.
6. I'm an active fucking cusser.


Follow me on twitter @MirrorMayham
Email me: rainbowismypoptart@gmail.com
AND comment down below.

                                            Your the cup to my cake,
                                                 -Mirror Mayhem-

The Strange Case Of.......

Hello Loves,

 Lately I have been having a really bad headache paired with some super bad dizziness. So I am an Atheist, but I got to church(because I'm forced). Well on Wednesday I went on my own, no forcing needed because I met this really great musician. He likes rock and he toured with Breaking Benjamin  So I'm like :O? He is really bad ass and an altogether great guy. His wife is really beautiful too. Anyway, I began to get really severely dizzy through out the whole hour and a half service. It was the worst i had gotten. So I go up afterwards and super briefly say hi. Then I go back and of coarse my grandmother's talking to people, so I wait, and I wait, and I wait. All of this while I'm so dizzy I feel like I may be sick. I tap on her shoulder and tell her I am dizzy. Nothing. I end up waiting a whole nother 30 mins. By the time we got home I went straight to bed. I was so pissed off because I told her I was ill. Fucking bitch.

 Tomorrows update day! Yay! No story for today sorry kittens. And ending off with another picture:

                                                             Your the Apple to my Cider,
                                                                    Mirror Mayhem

A Blistering Case Of Insomnia (Murder Was The Case They Gave Me)

 I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately. I have not showered or left the house in 4 days if that makes you feel any better.

 So I have been writing this story based off a dream and I will continue posting it if I keep writing, here's what I got so far;

Chapter 1: A Blistering Case Of Insomnia

I looked over at the clock and sighed. It was 2:00 in the morning, it was 67 degrees, and i couldn't get two shits worth of sleep. Sighing I got up from bed and checked myself out in the mirror. Black shorts with small multicolored dots all over it, a plain grey tank top, and a sports bra. I had on 3 chains, one that ended just beneath my boobs, it was a silver cross, the second was shorter and only reached towards my collar bone this one had nothing, it was just a chain, the third only drooped slightly below the second, holding a small skull charm. My sliced up arms where visible as well as my sliced upper thighs. I had on a pair of gray socks that went just past my knees. I sighed again laughing at my appearance. I threw on my black jacket and my chucks, heading to the front door. After practically having a heart attack opening and closing the door quietly i walked outside. The cool air nipped at my bare legs and my jacket was thin and unzipped. I sat down on the cold concrete laying back and closing my eyes. The night air relaxed me, it seemed so much easier to breathe than the clogged air inside. This relaxation tempted me to sing.

 "When I was a young girl my father took me into the city

to see a marching band

he said dear when you grow up

would you be, the savior of the broken

the beaten and the damned?

He said will you defeat them?
your demons and all the non-believers 

the plans that they have made?"

I sang this quietly, not wanting to wake anyone from their happy dreams. I decided i needed coffee so i stood up, and closed my eyes for one last breath of fresh air before i returned to the processed air of my home. Suddenly a hand snaked its way around my mouth and another at my hip. Someone was pushing my towards a van. THE FUCK? Before i could react I was shoved into the car. The man slammed the door and began driving. "OH FUCK NO!" I screamed. I've heard of this fucked up shit. What if he was satanic? Oh fuck. ohfuckohfuckohfuckohmotherfuckingfuck. I banged on the door but it was no use. A locked metal gate separated me from the crazy fuck who took me. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKK" I screamed extremely loud. "FUCK" I yelled again. I heard the man puff in aggravation. He suddenly pulled over. We were on a deserted highway, FUCK. The door slid open and the man walked in shutting it behind him. I'm not a fucking dumb ass so i didn't attack him. Oh yeah let me just attack some phyco guy that I'm trapped in a car with. Rigght that's a fool-proof plan. He sat down in front of me. We were about 3 feet from each other, both of us sitting criss-cross. I looked him over, he was seemingly young. Around 22-25 maybe? He was actually very attractive. He was about 5"5, he had dark brown hair that was shaggy and tossed, but pale skin, his beautiful blue eyes went well with his soft plump pink lips. He had very high cheek bones and was quite skinny. He was wearing black skinny jeans, a Metallica shirt, a leather jacket, and black converse. "So, why the fuck am I sitting in the back of a cold van, on a deserted highway?" I asked boldly. He didn't seem to mind my sarcasm. "Well I'm October Trinity, I'm 21 years old, currently single, i like rock and tofu. The reason your here is because my 5 year girlfriend was just caught cheating on me. I was driving around all sad and i parked on the side of your house and began walking, as i was walking back to my car i heard your beautiful voice; and you where singing a good band too. You were dressed funny and i liked it. I thought you were pretty. But lets face it, no teenage girl is stupid enough to say yes to some 20 something guy when he asks, "would you step in my van so we can chat?" Ya no. So that's why your here" he answered. "Okay. I think i should be afraid, but I'm really not. I am here, and you just want to talk to me, and then i can go home?" I concluded. "Yeah" he nodded. My sleeves where raised from me banging and my shorts where exposing more skin now that i was sitting. "Why?" he asked. suddenly taking notice of my cuts. "Because apparently I'm my mother's biggest disappointment. not important enough for my dad. a demon to my granny, and a goth faggot freak to my peers." I paused. "And this makes my numbness go away, It makes me feel human again." A wave of curiosity covered his face, "Your really pretty" He almost whispered. I froze. Oh no, he was going to rape me. Oh shit! "You know" he whispered again, "I used to have these dreams where I went to hell for everything I've done. They where really scary" I starred at him. Say what? GREAT, HE'S A FUCKING PHYCO. "No no no it's not like that" he said reading my mind, "I'm bisexual and always felt bad for liking guys; also I felt bad because I have killed someone." He finished. Oh. My. God

----------------------

so yeah, more tomorrow or the next day. To end I give you three good pictures.

                                                  You're the teen to my spirit,

                                                     -Mirror Mayhem-

This Life Is Beginning To Look Out Of My League

I lost all hope awhile ago. It came back to me when My Chemical Romance came back into my life. I am so inspired to be an artist or the front man of a band. I so badly want and need this. So many people shoot for this dream and are shoved to the back. Why me? Maybe they'll accept me because I'm not ignorant or naive, i know both these carriers are not only very risky but doubtful to become successful in, but i would rather die than have a regular job, or  job that i hate. I simply will not settle to be average. I have been treated as different my whole life, I was always excluded from the "normal" people, why not now? The only difference would be that I'm separated because I'm put on a pedestal instead of put beneath one. Also maybe because i need music more than i can explain. When i sing i find myself in a trance, one filled with inspiration, hope, adrenaline, and love. No more depression for those moments. I feel no agony but a musical high. I need music. I need to sing. I want to leave an imprint on this world. I want to make an impact on peoples lives, i want to save them because i understand. I need it so i know i wont fuck up, because i know that I'm their idol, or that they look up to me. and i know that i cant do the "wrong" thing, because I have people who look up to me, and if i ever had people who looked up to me, i will vow one thing, i will NEVER just let myself become a drugged mess. I will try to never disappoint you. But so many try and so many fail, and it's a 1 in a 400 chance, but i can't see any other future, and i know for a fact that I'm not just some dream indulgent hormonal teen.This is my passion. So i pray to whatever non-existing god i need to, because this life is beginning to look further and further out of my reach.



                                                     Your the light to the end of my tunnel,
                                                                -Mirror Mayhem-

Suicide letters

    I never thought my life would boil down to the simplicity of a suicide letter. I wanted to sing, I wanted to inspire people, I wanted to save lives, I wanted to have my band. I wanted us to make it big, to be "That band that saves lives" I wanted us to crush the rules, and make our own road. I wanted to paint. I yearned to create a masterpiece with a swish of a brush. I burn to let the mental stories, memories, and nightmares come out on the canvas  I knew that those two were my only escape. I know it is still. But that wait is too long and I don't want to Wait anymore; I need it now. I want to escape this torture that washes into me. I want to skip middle school, i wanted to skip high school. I want to go to art school and make music. I wanted My Chemical Romance to hear my music, and like it. I wanted to meet the four men who saved me repeatedly. Unfortunately, no one could save me from this, because I have been in this hole since 2011 and its been getting deeper. I am already mentally 6 feet under, all I need is my body to catch up. So this is my goodbye, because I can't stop the addiction of a blade at my wrist. The pleasure of seeing my blood seep through my self induced wounds. The releasement of stress, pain, and agony.
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
 Well, I don't think so. You see, I'm depressed and its obvious its always going to be this way. Sure I'll be happy for a little while but it always creeps back into my mind invading my happy thoughts with its poisonous words of hate. My spirit has been poked, prodded, and torn, my heart stolen out of my chest, my mind lost. No long list of people I loved needed. You people who were there for me know who you are. Don't cry, save those tears for a funeral of someone whose ending was a tragedy and not a planned event. Mine was purposely. It was MY choice. So save your water works for a tragedy. Blow a kiss into those methane skies for me?


 This is an old suicide letter i never fulfilled.


                                                      You're the Dr. to my Pepper,
                                                          -Mirror Mayhem-

I'm Just A Man(girl), I'm Not A Hero.

 You think I'm happy, you think I'm your fucking therapist? Well I'm not. How do you expect me to fix your problems when I'm not even fucking healed inside? How in the fuck do you expect me to fix everything, you come to me with everything. Every single problem you expect me to know how to fix. Why don't you ask me about MY fucking day? You think I'm so perfect, so clean, that I know everything? Well come on over and I'll show you the X I carved into my chest. Yup, close, but not on my boob. On the left side. Or how about you come and see my scars on my arm? Or maybe even the fresh ones. How about the one on my shoulder? The one on my leg? Point fucking made. I am here for you, yes, but don't be a vain bitch. I HAVE PROBLEMS TOO!! I can't fix everything.

 "I'm just man, I'm not a hero, Just a boy, I can't save the world"

               
                                               You're the guitar to my solo,
                                                     -Mirror Mayhem-

Goodbye My Love

Goodbye My Love

I write you a song on my wrists
You told me to die and hit me with your fists
As tears run down my face
I remember you calling me a disgrace
So i'll say goodbye
For the last time
Because I'd hate to be a burden
And now that I'm certain
I give you my stained heart
The razor is at its start
Sorry i was born
At least i know no one will ever mourn
One last look in the methane sky
 Oh goodbye my love, goodbye

-By: Me.

                                             Your the monsters to my night,
                                                     -Mirror Mayhem-

Finally MCR5 and Bisexual Questions.

Girls and boys. A stressing subject for a Bisexual person. Let me answer some frequently asked questions.

 Q: Can you date both a boy and a girl at the same time?
 A: NO! That would be cheating dumb ass

 Q: Since your like Bi..do you like your friends?
  A: Yes, sometimes I get a crush on one of my friends. Rarely, but it has happened before. I'm currently gaining a small crush on one of my friends currently and i don't plan on telling her.

  Q: Do you look at girls boobs/butts?
   A: Yes! I do! I try to resist but i will sometimes. Oh my gosh, my friend that I'm crushing on has such a nice  butt. I hope she doesn't see me looking. O.O That would be awkward.

 I'll do more if you guys send me some questions:
 rainbowismypoptart@gmail.com
           
 
 Now, I've been putting this off but its time to talk about MCR5. I want MCR5 to really be like the older MCR because even though the new happier MCR is nice, I miss the passion and angst that they had, now it feels so subtle. I still like it but i want the passion and feel of Black Parade and Bullets. I love Bullets! Gerard's voice is so raspy and natural.Something about the lyrics is so fucking raw! His voice is so different from the rest of every other album I've listened to. It takes a swing at my heart when i listen to it.

-----And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But would anything matter if you're already dead? 
And well should I be shocked now by the last thing you said? 
Before I pull this trigger, 
Your eyes vacant and stained...

                                   Your the gun to my head,

                                -Mirror Mayhem-

Your The Demolition To My Lover

I'll talk about MCR5 later, right now we have something WAY more important to address. I am under the conclusion that my parents know about my blog, this is bad, very, very bad. I made this anonymously that way i could vent about anything and everything, give my opinion and my beliefs without anyone yelling at me. Being able to express wtf is going on lately. So if you are a reader of my blog and i just stop posting, you know what has happened. And if your my parents, note for you:
       
         This is my only way to vent because i can never vent to you. For fucks sake, you blamed it on me that people bully me!! You seriously despise my beliefs.. Like gay marriage? No,  "being gay is a disease"? Seriously what the fuck? Its not a disease its a life style, its a sexuality and its hard to live with a bunch of mother fucking homophobe  Or maybe the face that I'm atheist. You guys fucking force me to church. Well let me inform you on a secrete, your not changing my mind whats so ever. Your constantly trying to shove a religion down my throat that i just don't believe in. I'm not just being "rebellious" and i don't think I'll "change my mind" because i don't just say I'm atheist, i seriously have reasons i don't believe. So, if your nosy self has found its way to my blog, let me tell you, taking away my only vent, is a seriously bad idea.

                                                    Your the demolition to my lover,
                                                               -Mirror Mayhem-

The Goonies

 Everytime i got close to sleeping, insomnia came up and poked me in the arse reminding me that i was not gonna get two fucking minutes of sleep. So i obviously lost the battle against my insomnia, and im sitting here with my coffee writing to you, try not to feel too fucking special.
       I sometimes wonder if anyone actually reads these, or if im just blabbing on a public page...Maybe years from now some kids will find my "ancient" posts like the "Goonies". Lets talk about something eh? Don't fucking yell in my face because i close my eyes for 1.25 seconds. God damn im already irritated. I hate my school. I keep getting office referrals for writing/drawing on my arm, but you'd think since im the most quiet kid they'd cut me slack.
       We're going to talk about MCR5 later on tomorrow.

                                               your the hate to my suicide,
                                                    -Mirror Mayhem-

Dumbasses

All these kids say "Thug Life".
     let me list reasons why you, dumbass are not living the "Thug Life"
1. You get paid to clean your room
2. You have never lifted so much as 55 pounds
3. Your like 5'3
4. You live in a middle class neighborhood
5.If you where living the "Thug Life" you'd be sitting in a fucking jail cell, dumb fuck

This guy who is really mean to the nerds but liked me for some reason shared this convo with me:
Douche Bag: You got a cell?
Me: In fact i do, i have more than one cell, everyone in the Animalia Kingdom is multi-cellular.
Douche Bag: So we can text?
Me: -_-



                            Your the teenager that scares the living shit outa me,
                                                   -Mirror Mayhem-