Terrified of What I'd Be, as a Kid, From What I'd Seen

Hi, to whoever may read this.

I am not sure who I am talking to. I get views, but no comments, and no emails or tweets, so who am I talking to- if I am talking to anyone at all?

-I don't know.

I have no clue who you are, reader, and in fact, the likeliness that you have any clue who am, is just as true.

We don't know each other in the slightest, reader.

Yet here I am opening up to you, or no one, and here you are reading, or maybe no one will read it at all.

This whole blog has become a story of my cluttered mind, depressed soul, and angry way of thinking.

I am still angry.
My mind is still cluttered.
I still own depression, like a distant reminder of what I used to be,
I am still tired.
I still feel weird and awkward and different.

I am still the same person I was when I created this blog in many ways- and in a lot of ways I am not.

 I have grown such an immense amount since then. I have grown smarter, stronger, kinder, more understanding, less accusing, less impulsive. Less of depressed- more of happy.

So I am still me, I am still the young, confused, hurt, and too-smart-for-her-own-good girl who created this God forsaken blog.


 But I have grown to be happy, leaving the sticky, ugly claws of depression behind. Brushing off my negative monster in my head, ignoring the calls from my blade, ignoring the addiction craving what I can no longer give, I have risen above what I never wanted to be. I have ripped apart what I was. I have clawed my way out, climbing to the surface, from the very bottom to the  top. The two year battle coming- slowly- to an end. I have been loosing at this race, and I am finally making it. I am breathing, I am laughing and smiling and the world seems a lot more great. My mind seems so much more open, my arms seem so much more saddening, and cutting seems more and more UN-needed-UN-necessary, gone. I am thinking again. I am smiling- but meaning it. I don't hurt so bad in my chest, my stomach doesn't ache as bad and my tears aren't of sadness no more- no they are of utter and complete happiness. Since the day my life was thrown out of balance, and shit happened, I can for once say this, and mean it:

I am happy.

I am not done with this battle. I am still fighting everyday. I am still dealing with impulses and trying not to be so damned guarded, I am trying to not tip-toe through life anymore. I am going to live like I want to- even if that means sometimes breaking my back to look up instead of looking down. I surround myself with thoughts of nothing.

Nothing.

I can't see a future for myself because I have no fucking idea. I can't scare myself with that yet. Not yet. I am ready to step back into the world, opened armed, flawed, battered, bruised, and maybe a little bit scarred. But I am here again. I see that light again. I am feeling again. I am awake. Yeah. It is scary to experience something so different, but the cautious never live.









         

*Most recent picture of me, taken today, this morning. That's me smiling- and meaning it.



Hello readers. This is my first blog post, as the new me, trying maybe a little bit harder to be happy. Maybe not happy yet- but baby steps.

Welcome sinners, to my blog. I am Mirror Mayhem, I like music, reading, writing, and singing.

Every beginning starts with another beginning's end,

                                             ~Mayhem