Dernier Appel Vers Nulle Part

I see everything in gray?

I'm sick of seeing everything in the same awful shade of gray

that mass murderer had parents and grandparents and a childhood and a favorite trinket or toy

that bestselling author who wrote the novel of the century had that kid they bullied in high school and that time they screamed at the person they loved

and it makes it really hard to know what to do and what's right and what's not

I have the power to do anything and nothing

why not do nothing and die on the streets?

we all go the same place in the end

Dead Life

Give me a pill that will remedy the anxiety
From the pill that remedies the depression
From the pill that remedies the dreams
From the pill that makes me okay
A cocktail of prescription pills is what is takes to make me seem alright
Isn't it satiric the highest abused drug in teens is pills
and if we aren't popping them to soar higher than the watered down reality we've been limited to we're chugging bottle after bottle to numb what doesn't feel alright
Hey don't worry, I hear there is a pill for that

Don’t ask me if I fancy the color of the sky
My world is monochromatic-monotone-dead-dead-dead
my mind's a hurricane and I can’t see past the walls
I boarded around myself
I'm a therapist's worst nightmare

Her  ink cartridge
that her fingers wrap around
it’s made up of one part tears
and one part false sympathy
ask another question
scribble another note
all these kids sitting on these chairs are becoming victims of stories no one ever thinks enough of to tell
their life's summarized between the lines of her clipboard
I’m a vital stepping stool in another hurricane heart’s dream
but I can’t seem to find my own
I'd rather be a footnote in someone's story
than focus on my own
because the future is terrifying
if i don't wind up hanging from a pilar like a cheap piece of art
i'll paint my walls half assed with blood
but let's be honeset
I won't do a damn thing

The therapist nods
and writes with her hand swift
Wash down another pill and take another step closer to the cliff
your life was a dead end to begin with.

Kiss a punk, save a life,

Dust Rat

The Importance of Being Unimportant

          I have never experienced something so comforting or destroying than the knowledge that I am unimportant to the world in the big picture. There is an estimated seven billion people in this world. Which means me, an average teen, is unimportant. I hold no significance to this world. I am a run of the mill child, nothing rich, famous, or ingenious about me. This is both comforting and disheartening at the same time. To know that most likely when I die I will be unknown makes me feel inevitably inadequate, but to know that no matter what kind of shit storm I have caused here, I can go away and no one will know me is a good feeling. Another nameless face in the crowd. A new city, country, state. No one knows me. I could start over, reinvent myself completely. This is somehow enlightening. I can mess up, and everything that is happening to me is minuscule in measurement to this big, big, world.










Good Vibes,
Dust Rat.

Vous Pouvez M'appeler Alice (You Can Call Me Alice)

Vous Pouvez M'appeler Alice (You Can Call Me Alice)

It all started when I was three
this babysitter put his hands on me
Twice
Thrice
A million and three
times I've been told "You're lying"
They say "You were only three"
So, I usually don't tell this story.



You might as well call me Alice
because I fell down the rabbit hole
at the ripe age
of 10 years old
but beyond the potions, and keys, and doors
I found no palice
Though, you still may call me Alice.

In the rabbit hole
I met The Hatter no less
and yes, I will confirm
his head was quite the mess
His personality's baffled me so
Hatter was like no one I've ever known

I met Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb
Two faced
with a problem of spewing words
they cannot erase

And I met the Red Queen
but her hair was brown
Yet her pink lips were set in a permanent frown
The Queen's eyes were blue
and between me and you
She was just a sad girl
mad at the world
through and through

I met the Rabbit
with all his inadequate habits
and clinquant white fur
tick-tock
always on his mind
everyone's got a dugeon
his was time


And the hole's a lot darker than it seems
with no one around to supress the horrifying screams
The characters and scenes
are much different than the way they are sold
Covered by publisher's in tinsled gold

See the true fault in the plan of the infamous Wonderland
was never the terrifying wrath of the Red Queen
No, it was something perfered not to be seen
No one dies- at least not here
Instead we boil in eternal fear
and though so many of us want to die
we sit under the floresent lights
boiled in our agony
and fried in solitary misery

Two years I spent climbing back up
Thinking it was better up above
and I saw people were just the same
The only opposing componets was they held less fame

And with tears of defeat in my eyes
I fell back down the hole
Whispering "At least its somewhere I know. My Hell- My home"
Now here I lie
With no tears remaining to cry
everyone's got a dugeon
if you'd like to know mine..
You must know its a secret
and you must promise to always keep it

Everyone's got a dungeon
Here's mine:
My dungeon
is my mind.

-copyrighted S.R. 2013

  

Raise Your Glass for Everlasting Life in Everlasting Philistinism (A.K.A I battle with a brick wall)

Its sort-of ironic that I’m writing this at school since it’s the reason for a lot of my pain. Not just mine you know, school puts a lot of people in pain. I’m sure that’s not what was originally intended, but that’s the way it has become. School is a contest. Your personal intelligence is defined by your I.Q., by tests you take that are only made to conform to certain people’s brain, and I wish you luck if you can’t understand something fast enough or if your teacher’s way of teaching doesn’t work for you.

At school they expect you to drop all personal problems at home, as if your feelings are some sort of light-switch in which you can turn on and off. You can’t. We are no machines. Sometimes we lose focus on the fact that the person to your left, and the person to your right, the children you teach and the adult you are trying to one-up, that kid that you only sort-of-kind-of bully, are living, breathing feeling human beings, your own kind. We see them as we want; As The Football Player, the Hot One, the Goth Girl, the Nerd, the Asian, the Bad Kid, the Prissy Chick, the Dyke, the Gay Guy, and so on. We see each other as friends, enemies, challenges, but not as the simplest term, fellow humans built with the same basic anatomy as one-another, the same bones that can break, the same hearts that can stop, the same skin that is flawed, the same brains that control our thoughts. Whether they go home to fights and bloody lower lips, or posh dinners and comfortable living, or both, it is not something that you will always know, for you can never tell what goes on behind closed doors. Yet students, your teachers put you down, teachers, your students smart off to you, peers, classmates, they will make you feel like a king or a peasant only worthy of scraps, they see it as their choosing. Most schools have seven periods, we have eight here at Schrade, including advisory or home-room. We take math, English, science, reading or a second language, history, gym and others, these are only basic classes. Many of us take more than this. We get homework from most of these classes, we go back home to our comfort or pain. We are stressed, scared, questioning ourselves, curious, depressed, anxious and nervous. We are trying to become who we are; all while being told who to be.

To the students, be strong. To the teachers, love what you do, be even stronger. To the school system, you know you’ve messed up when teachers and students alike don’t want to walk through the stained, cracked, beat up doors.

-This started off as a suicide letter

this ended as a speech to fix the problem.

-Pintsized

"Everyone should get a stand ovation....because we all overcometh the world" -Auggie Pullman

  After reading a book and finishing, I often don't even know what to do with myself. I wish I could call up the writer and tell him/her how amazing he is. With many books I have actually grown as a person while reading them (i.e. The Dove Keeper, Reason To Breathe, Wonder, The Sisters' Grimm, The Umbrella Academy Part 1 and 2, The Velveteen Rabbit, Bruised, Run, The Game, and so on.) These books make me want to have them forever, because is all honesty they have added a piece to me. They were a part of the stepping stone of who I am right now. For this, I love reading and writing equally, and I hope that one day someone will read my book and have that moment of almost nostalgia as they look back on the events of my book. I hope that in this life time I can bring that impact on someone.

  On a different, yet still happy note, I am pleased to tell you that this year, is eons better than the last. I have better teachers and I just feel better all together. Don't get me wrong, it is still school and it is still very boring and life sucking but it is SO much better this year.

  Lastly, on a more saddened note, I must tell you a fear that I have been feeling for a few days, maybe 2 weeks now. School started around 3/4 weeks ago and I am starting to feel like it is stripping away my originality and what I stand for. I can feel some of my pacifism slipping away and so I feel as though I am betraying some unknown source. This is the reason my blog has been so neglected. I have started around 4 entries, but not finishing one. I feel the same loss of motivation of last year and I am hoping I can overpower the depression creeping up from behind me.

Note: I miss -A my little Anonymous commenter.

Comment. Share, and Email me please! Motivation is what I need!!

With love, happiness, and lingering fear,
Mayhem

Wake Up Lesson- #3 Us and Them

So, I have decided to make 'Wake Up' as a feature in which I bring everyday issues to your view. Today, we have Wake Up Lesson- #3: Us and Them.

      Since about the dawn of time, we have always been told, or at least always heard, it's us and them. You know, the "populars'" against the "Nerds'", the "Jocks'" against the "Geeks'", the "Gays'" against the "Cool kids'", and inevitably, the "Goths'/alternative kids'" against the world. To a certain extent, I guess the term is nice when correctly used in the right content with the right intent in general. I don't understand the whole "Outcasts" versus the "Populars". I don't know if you have a friend who is Goth or Alternative styled, but one of the biggest complaints is being stereotyped, (You know, Mrs. Walker next door swears she saw you sacrificing virgins.) but we are hypocrites by hating the "Popular" kids.
       Popular, by definition, is someone who's company is enjoyed by many people (Synonyms: Well liked, friendly) so why by our definition is popular considered such a bad thing? Why is it bad to be well-liked? More than once, I've seen someone deny being popular like it was something to be embarrassed about. Why do we consider popular people as our enemies? Sure, we all know the rich, popular asshole, but not every popular kid is a little twat.

      So here's the 'Wake up' part: Pinch your arm, slap yourself, drink some coffee, and wake up. It is not you against all the jocks' or popular kids. I am friends with tons of popular people because they are nice! Who cares if they are rich, poor, small, big, popular, nerdy, social, awkward, those are all just labels that we are given, that doesn't mean that everyone there is the same!! Times in which it is okay to do 'us and them' is here:

Scenario 1: You are a starving artist, no one will buy your work, you and your lover are just skimping by and you feel a heavy burden. Someone tells you that you should give up. That, is a moment of 'Us Against Them' because at that moment, you are battling the world for your place.

Scenario 2: You are not aloud to try out for the school football team because you are a girl, so you and your other friends who play protest. That, is 'Us Against Them'.

        So don't let some one's label make you not want to befriend them. That's just a waste.

"You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions" -The Breakfast Club "People never think anything is anything really. I'm getting godamn sick of it." -The Catcher in the Rye "You can't ever find a place that's nice an peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write 'Fuck You' right under your nose" -The Catcher in the Rye Xo -Mayhem